Learned Helplessness

by Vic A

There's a concept in psychology that I heard in the past which really resonated with me, a concept called 'learned helplessness'.  As the name describes, this concept asserts that helplessness is something that we learn through life.  We train ourselves to be helpless.

Surely I am not anywhere qualified to talk about psychology but I am just speaking from personal experience.  We all have been a child to our parents and some of us are already parents ourselves.  I am sure you’d agree that sometimes the parents have a lot to do why their children develop ‘learned helplessness’.  More often than not, parents do this without even realising it.  And I am convinced that we all have an element of ‘learned helplessness’ in us, just at varying degrees.

But to make the point clearer, I will use a more extreme example.  How often do we see around us people who are already in their 20's, 30's, and some are already raising their own families, but still living with their parents, and still being supported by them financially?  And sometimes we wonder why that is happening, and why the parents allow that situation to happen.  For sure, there must be something wrong with the way these children view themselves and the way they perceive their own capabilities, that they are afraid to venture out on their own at that age.  An age where they should be exploring and stepping out into the world, detached from their parents’ wings, to see what they are capable of doing.

Is it maybe that we, the parents, haven’t trained our children to stand up on their own and teach them the value and the dignity of fending for themselves?  Or could it be that the parents never wanted to let go of their children, for fear that they won’t be able to cope with the harsh realities of life?  Or could it be that parents are just too afraid for their children to stumble and make mistakes because making a mistake is unforgivable and is seen as a weakness and a flaw of character, and it will be a bad reflection to the family name.  Or is it purely genetics, that the make-up of these children is just not as strong as the others?  Whatever it is, one thing is for sure – we the parents have so much influence and input to how these children will behave later on in life.

In my own experience, a major reason for ‘learned helplessness’ in many kids is the fear of making mistakes.  Growing up, we were raised to believe that making a mistake is bad, a sign of weakness, and it’s a no-no.  If we view failure as an end-state as opposed to it being a part of the whole journey called life, then making mistake is definitely not tolerated.

If we as parents inculcate in our young children this kind of thinking then they will grow up fearful of making mistakes in life.  They will do either of two things:

1. not do anything at all just so they wont make any mistake, hence making them totally paralysed and incapacitated to explore life, or
2. they will play the game of life in a very 'safe' way - they will try to 'play-not-to-lose' as opposed to 'play-to-win'

And if they do make mistakes, they will think that it’s the end of their lives - that they are beyond redemption and have no hope for a better life ahead.  I know this is the reality for many children and I have seen this too often even in my own family.

We, the parents and the society at large, unwittingly impose on these children the notion that their lives are ruined once they make major mistakes.  The only chance they can repair their broken lives is maybe to go overseas.  Maybe there, people would be more accepting and more tolerant to erring individuals.  Maybe there, they can rebuild their lives, even anonymously, without the scar from the mistakes they did back home.  Sometimes, we don’t realise how cruel we can be as a society.  How many people we know have we seen doing really well overseas, whereas back at home, they would have been considered as outcast, a pariah.  

That’s why I love the Honda story of doing business.  They understand that mistake is part and parcel of the end-game that they are trying to achieve.  People are encouraged to make mistakes, not penalised when they make one.  They fully understand that it is in this environment that major technological breakthroughs are developed and achieved.  When people are not limited by the restrictions imposed as a result of making mistakes, they take more risks and they think more ‘outside-the-box’.  I am certain that we could learn from the big businesses if we apply this same thinking to our own personal lives.

When we put self-imposed limitations on our children by saying, “you are too young, you can’t do this” or “that is not possible, nobody has done that before” - what do you think happens?  They will then start believing that “yes, that is too hard, it can’t be done”.  They then develop that passive, if not defeatist mentality and shy away from thinking big.  To them, thinking big is the job for other people, not for them.  An absolute lie!  All of us can think big.  It’s not the monopoly of some ‘mythical few’.  But we are not trained to think big, that’s why!  And we unwittingly pass that on to our children and the cycle goes on and on.  We need to break that cycle.

Now that I am a parent myself, I have come to experience the joys (and tribulation) of parenthood at the different stages of our daughter’s young life.  And I have all the opportunities to test the concept of ‘learned helplessness’ with our daughter – our case study, hehe.

When people find out that Larie is our only child, it’s almost certain that the next comment would be, “So she must be spoilt!”  And I guess it’s normal for them to think that way.  That has been the norm for many ‘only-child’ situations.  And I must say, if you are not careful, it is very easy to spoil a child without you even realising it.

Me and my wife Nie would like to think that we don’t spoil Larie.  That is deliberate on our part.  In fact, whenever Larie starts acting like a princess, I am very quick to bring her back down to earth.  And that is for a good reason.  We don’t want her to grow up with that imagined and misplaced superiority complex, that all too often we see in some other bratty, ‘only-child’ kids.

We were so pleased the last time we went home to Magsingal, she had so much fun being one of the kids there.  I let her play in the ‘tapuk’ so she could experience my brand of childhood (to Nie’s disappointment as she had some ‘gad-dil’ after our trip).  We never had to worry about her fitting in with the other children despite the language barrier.  She rode a bike, a tri-sikad and a scooter around the neighbourhood, all the way up to the plaza and the public market.   She enjoyed buying the skewered barbecue and empanada from the street vendor, going to ‘talon’ feeding the goats of her Uncle Ermie and picking ‘katuday’ flowers and ‘saluyot’ for lunch.  She still remembers those experiences fondly and we hope that she will have another chance to experience them again soon.

We also try to support her in her many varied interests.  We try our hardest not to impose on her, things which are not aligned to her interests.  We try to respect her wishes when it comes to doing things that she doesn’t enjoy.  This early, we give her the opportunity to make choices within limits and make it known to her the possible consequences of her choices.  That way, she learns the concept of owning up to her own actions, a valuable life skill that she will need.

We always tell her that you don’t have to do something just because your seatmate in school does it.  I noticed that with school children, it’s so easy for them to get influenced to do something just because everyone else is doing it.  I guess it’s the old peer-pressure and trying to fit in with the rest.  Subtly, we are trying to impart to her the importance of ‘being her own self’ and not pattern her life on what the rest is doing.

You might think that it’s too early for kids to learn these things but we are seeing some positive results already.  I am sure our case study is still very much a work-in-progress, and we have a long way to go, but I am hoping the end-product will be pleasing.